Post Post Script ~Day 4

Of course he's been texting. He doesn't understand why I'm doing what I'm doing. He's looking for a reason. Some tangible piece of information that he can latch onto. Something he can feel redeemed by either figuring out how to get me back, or by using it to making me the bad guy enough to hate me and walk away. Not real sure which it is. But I'm pretty sure it'll follow the same ole pattern of trying to figure out a way to get me back to hating me when nothing works.

I can't do this with him anymore. I told him he has to let me go. I have to take this year and do this for myself. I always go back out of guilt. Guilt that he changed so much for me. And then I stop myself and think, "wow, T how very arrogant of you to think that." I mean, it is isnt it? Conceited too.

But of course that's what he wants me to feel. He wants me to get trapped in the ball of guilt that will eat at me until I go back because he "loves me like no one in my life ever has." And if the doubt doesn't get me then the hope that the doubt that I'm really screwing up and walking away from the best guy that's ever happened to me will eat at me until I go back.

Both tools of manipulation. Both he's been really good at since the beginning of our relationship. Both that people have told me he's good at when he doesn't get his way or what he wants.


But people have said he's changed since being with me. That he's not like that anymore, yadda yadda yadda.

And because of where I've been, not just with T and R but with G as well, I can't trust that he won't lie to me, betray me, cheat on me, eventually hit me, and then abandon me for younger slimmer financially more secure pickings after he's picked me clean.

Jaded much? oh hell yes. Bitter much? I'm seriously getting there.

I can't open myself up to him or anyone else. I don't trust people anymore. Every time I have opened myself up or gotten to a point where I thought, "you know, maybe I've just been wrong and now its time to give it a try again." The very next few souls in line, step up like their number has been called, and prove all the old fears true once again.

To a Tee...they do.

And then I crawl back under my blanket of not trusting, and douse my faith in man under cold water.

I've lost that naive innocence I once had in relationships, in happily ever afters.

I don't believe in those any more than I believe in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy....not any more.

So Day 5, lets see what kind of lessons you'll bring me. What kind of things to ponder? Any 5 minute Walmart parking lot epiphanies to share? Wisdom to impart?

I'm in need of something.

I'm not trying to be greedy. I know its too soon for the all-mighty-get-down-and-dirty kind of healing stuff. But a small smidgeon of "yeah, you're on the right path"...would be nice....


and as always, I love you Mother Universe, and Father God....

bless me please,
D6 out~
xoxo