Day 4~~

Today was very overwhelming; life, job, emotional -wise.

Because it was President's day my company was closed. I some how got the unlucky luck of the draw and got this week as my one week a YEAR to be on-call. When we are on-call, we are covering GA, AL, FL, LA, Miss, NC, and SC, on all products that we manufacture and those that we are third party service contracted to repair. By 9:30am I had already received two calls for NC, one for SC, one for West Palm Beach, FL (which I would have liked to have gone one..haha), and one for northwest AL as well as the few calls I got for the ATL area.

To say I was overwhelmed by 10 am is an understatement! But the hard thing to deal with wasn't the calls, and freaking out over how to cover, etc. It was that I had no one available friend/boyfriend-wise for support. And the one person I did not, could not have supporting me was doing so through emails that I had to ignore.

Did that make me doubt my decision? Honestly, yes for about 21 seconds, but second 22 I realized its just the same ole same ole that used to lure me back in. Nothing has changed, least of all ME. The one part of the equation that HAS to change, needs to heal, to learn and grow into the person I'm suppose to be. The person I've put off becoming out of fear, loneliness, etc.

So, I squashed down any desires of reaching out to him for his support. I turned away from the "need" I felt to wrap myself in the false security of his words. And I got through the day on my own. Yay, one small victory and I will take it!

My supposed support system here is shallow and is only here for me when there is something in it for them. There is no talking it out for me, their mind tunes me out and waits for me to draw a breath and sometimes not even then. Sometimes in mid-syllable spewage they interrupt me to talk about their life, their relationship, asking me for advice and wisdom for that, their relationship "epiphanies", etc. And it is a constant reminder that I really am here by myself.

And I'm going to be okay with that. Going to be okay with it because I think one of the biggest lessons I'm supposed to learn, need to learn, is to be ok with just ME. I'm not going to be alone, relationship-wise forever, just for right now. Its important for me to be just me right now. I can't learn anything about who I am, what I want, what I need, what I need to fix and what needs to heal if I'm constantly distracted by another factor or another pulse in my space.

Yeah, that was my little epiphany tonight. Yay me...haha ..and YES I had it while "they" were explaining theirs.

Another thing that has been on my mind since starting this year long commitment is the statement that people keep making about "it must be great that you've taken the pressure off yourself to be in a relationship or to get married. How freeing that must be." Honestly, I haven't looked at it that way at all. The moment I made this decision to do this for myself I did not feel lighter by any means. I did not feel free-er in any sense. Matter of fact, I kind of felt heavy like the world had settled squarely on my shoulders for a good long nap instead of the other way around. Not real sure yet why I feel this way. Its something I am pondering.

Also another thing I think is weird. I've been on the verge of tears over every little thing. Kind of like when I used to PMS, and it may be lagging symptoms of PMS. I've been on the Amberen for a month and a half, and I won't feel the full effects until 90 days. But so far, other than the crying jags I started experiencing yesterday and the hot flashes I feel pretty good. Maybe the crying jags are the just the beginning of the healing process. I think the next time I feel like going to tears I will let them whether I know why I'm tearing up or not. If I'm not at a customer site..haha Don't need my customers thinking I've gone loco or anything.

Maybe I just need to cry and "be" in that moment without a reason. Maybe that's the lesson. Instead of realizing I'm on the verge of tears, freaking out that I am, and stuffing it waaaaaay down until I can deny that I was just about to sob like a kid being denied candy.

Hmmmm......definitely will have to look into that.

Any hooha....These are my thoughts for day 4. As it comes to a close I'm not near as thankful, or grateful for the day to end or to be "over with" as I was yesterday. I'm good with that.

Until tomorrow, and day 5...
D6 out~
XOXO