It's really weird. I am not sleeping many hours a night at all. I don't feel sleepy until around midnight or so and am back up with the alarm clock at 7. If I don't feel tired tonight at a decent time, say 1030ish, then I'm going to help it along. I've got to go back to getting 8hrs of sleep. I look like a zombie, dark circles, gaunt under the eyes, etc.
Its ridiculous. But hey, if your mind won't stop or at least slow down to the passing lane speed, what can you do? Stare at the wall and cuss the sheep that won't come to be counted? yeah, I kind of did that the night before. No fun, no thanks, I'd rather be purging words on a screen.
Any hooohaa,
I did get up with the alarm this morning. Made myself get out of bed, do the morning pee, then immediately get dressed to hit the treadmill. I'm trying to make this a routine that I don't think about. I did it this morning, so wooohoo...yay me! 20 minutes alternating running/walking...I'm dripping sweat and love it.
Little bitty..I will never be again...HAWT as Hell in my jeans, you betcha!
I think some have gotten the wrong idea about my self proclaimed year of ME. It's not a year of celibacy. Hellz no, I'd never make it. haha Its a year of no commitments, relationship or any other.
One lesson I'm in desperate need of learning is separating emotion from meaningless sex. Its not one I "have" to learn, but I'm determined to do so.
Wow, that kind of made me sound like a slut didn't? Because, that's going to require a LOT of practice to break myself into that perception.
Boy, howdy I'm up for that challenge....LOL...actually I'm not but you know what I meant...hehe
So, I'm embarking on Day 5~~ and I'm looking forward to it. I'm almost done with the antibiotics Ive been on for like a MONTH. No joke there, I have been.
I'm so Done and OVER being sick.
Truly.
Happy #5, or Tuesday to you,
Hope its a good one,
D6 out~
XOXO
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
Post Post Script ~Day 4
Of course he's been texting. He doesn't understand why I'm doing what I'm doing. He's looking for a reason. Some tangible piece of information that he can latch onto. Something he can feel redeemed by either figuring out how to get me back, or by using it to making me the bad guy enough to hate me and walk away. Not real sure which it is. But I'm pretty sure it'll follow the same ole pattern of trying to figure out a way to get me back to hating me when nothing works.
I can't do this with him anymore. I told him he has to let me go. I have to take this year and do this for myself. I always go back out of guilt. Guilt that he changed so much for me. And then I stop myself and think, "wow, T how very arrogant of you to think that." I mean, it is isnt it? Conceited too.
But of course that's what he wants me to feel. He wants me to get trapped in the ball of guilt that will eat at me until I go back because he "loves me like no one in my life ever has." And if the doubt doesn't get me then the hope that the doubt that I'm really screwing up and walking away from the best guy that's ever happened to me will eat at me until I go back.
Both tools of manipulation. Both he's been really good at since the beginning of our relationship. Both that people have told me he's good at when he doesn't get his way or what he wants.
But people have said he's changed since being with me. That he's not like that anymore, yadda yadda yadda.
And because of where I've been, not just with T and R but with G as well, I can't trust that he won't lie to me, betray me, cheat on me, eventually hit me, and then abandon me for younger slimmer financially more secure pickings after he's picked me clean.
Jaded much? oh hell yes. Bitter much? I'm seriously getting there.
I can't open myself up to him or anyone else. I don't trust people anymore. Every time I have opened myself up or gotten to a point where I thought, "you know, maybe I've just been wrong and now its time to give it a try again." The very next few souls in line, step up like their number has been called, and prove all the old fears true once again.
To a Tee...they do.
And then I crawl back under my blanket of not trusting, and douse my faith in man under cold water.
I've lost that naive innocence I once had in relationships, in happily ever afters.
I don't believe in those any more than I believe in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy....not any more.
So Day 5, lets see what kind of lessons you'll bring me. What kind of things to ponder? Any 5 minute Walmart parking lot epiphanies to share? Wisdom to impart?
I'm in need of something.
I'm not trying to be greedy. I know its too soon for the all-mighty-get-down-and-dirty kind of healing stuff. But a small smidgeon of "yeah, you're on the right path"...would be nice....
and as always, I love you Mother Universe, and Father God....
bless me please,
D6 out~
xoxo
I can't do this with him anymore. I told him he has to let me go. I have to take this year and do this for myself. I always go back out of guilt. Guilt that he changed so much for me. And then I stop myself and think, "wow, T how very arrogant of you to think that." I mean, it is isnt it? Conceited too.
But of course that's what he wants me to feel. He wants me to get trapped in the ball of guilt that will eat at me until I go back because he "loves me like no one in my life ever has." And if the doubt doesn't get me then the hope that the doubt that I'm really screwing up and walking away from the best guy that's ever happened to me will eat at me until I go back.
Both tools of manipulation. Both he's been really good at since the beginning of our relationship. Both that people have told me he's good at when he doesn't get his way or what he wants.
But people have said he's changed since being with me. That he's not like that anymore, yadda yadda yadda.
And because of where I've been, not just with T and R but with G as well, I can't trust that he won't lie to me, betray me, cheat on me, eventually hit me, and then abandon me for younger slimmer financially more secure pickings after he's picked me clean.
Jaded much? oh hell yes. Bitter much? I'm seriously getting there.
I can't open myself up to him or anyone else. I don't trust people anymore. Every time I have opened myself up or gotten to a point where I thought, "you know, maybe I've just been wrong and now its time to give it a try again." The very next few souls in line, step up like their number has been called, and prove all the old fears true once again.
To a Tee...they do.
And then I crawl back under my blanket of not trusting, and douse my faith in man under cold water.
I've lost that naive innocence I once had in relationships, in happily ever afters.
I don't believe in those any more than I believe in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy....not any more.
So Day 5, lets see what kind of lessons you'll bring me. What kind of things to ponder? Any 5 minute Walmart parking lot epiphanies to share? Wisdom to impart?
I'm in need of something.
I'm not trying to be greedy. I know its too soon for the all-mighty-get-down-and-dirty kind of healing stuff. But a small smidgeon of "yeah, you're on the right path"...would be nice....
and as always, I love you Mother Universe, and Father God....
bless me please,
D6 out~
xoxo
Day 4~~ Post Script.......
I'm seriously considering deactivating FB for awhile. I can't write there, not like I want to. And I'm tired of nosey busy bodies with nothing to do but dwell on other people's misery/ or day-to-day doings to make drama out of stalking my profile just so they can have something to say.
"Oh did you read so-and-so's FB today??? REally?? She did WhAT??? NOOOOOOOO"
So yeah, don't be surprised in the next few days if you no longer see Dishwasher 6 on FB.
"Oh did you read so-and-so's FB today??? REally?? She did WhAT??? NOOOOOOOO"
So yeah, don't be surprised in the next few days if you no longer see Dishwasher 6 on FB.
Day 4~~
Today was very overwhelming; life, job, emotional -wise.
Because it was President's day my company was closed. I some how got the unlucky luck of the draw and got this week as my one week a YEAR to be on-call. When we are on-call, we are covering GA, AL, FL, LA, Miss, NC, and SC, on all products that we manufacture and those that we are third party service contracted to repair. By 9:30am I had already received two calls for NC, one for SC, one for West Palm Beach, FL (which I would have liked to have gone one..haha), and one for northwest AL as well as the few calls I got for the ATL area.
To say I was overwhelmed by 10 am is an understatement! But the hard thing to deal with wasn't the calls, and freaking out over how to cover, etc. It was that I had no one available friend/boyfriend-wise for support. And the one person I did not, could not have supporting me was doing so through emails that I had to ignore.
Did that make me doubt my decision? Honestly, yes for about 21 seconds, but second 22 I realized its just the same ole same ole that used to lure me back in. Nothing has changed, least of all ME. The one part of the equation that HAS to change, needs to heal, to learn and grow into the person I'm suppose to be. The person I've put off becoming out of fear, loneliness, etc.
So, I squashed down any desires of reaching out to him for his support. I turned away from the "need" I felt to wrap myself in the false security of his words. And I got through the day on my own. Yay, one small victory and I will take it!
My supposed support system here is shallow and is only here for me when there is something in it for them. There is no talking it out for me, their mind tunes me out and waits for me to draw a breath and sometimes not even then. Sometimes in mid-syllable spewage they interrupt me to talk about their life, their relationship, asking me for advice and wisdom for that, their relationship "epiphanies", etc. And it is a constant reminder that I really am here by myself.
And I'm going to be okay with that. Going to be okay with it because I think one of the biggest lessons I'm supposed to learn, need to learn, is to be ok with just ME. I'm not going to be alone, relationship-wise forever, just for right now. Its important for me to be just me right now. I can't learn anything about who I am, what I want, what I need, what I need to fix and what needs to heal if I'm constantly distracted by another factor or another pulse in my space.
Yeah, that was my little epiphany tonight. Yay me...haha ..and YES I had it while "they" were explaining theirs.
Another thing that has been on my mind since starting this year long commitment is the statement that people keep making about "it must be great that you've taken the pressure off yourself to be in a relationship or to get married. How freeing that must be." Honestly, I haven't looked at it that way at all. The moment I made this decision to do this for myself I did not feel lighter by any means. I did not feel free-er in any sense. Matter of fact, I kind of felt heavy like the world had settled squarely on my shoulders for a good long nap instead of the other way around. Not real sure yet why I feel this way. Its something I am pondering.
Also another thing I think is weird. I've been on the verge of tears over every little thing. Kind of like when I used to PMS, and it may be lagging symptoms of PMS. I've been on the Amberen for a month and a half, and I won't feel the full effects until 90 days. But so far, other than the crying jags I started experiencing yesterday and the hot flashes I feel pretty good. Maybe the crying jags are the just the beginning of the healing process. I think the next time I feel like going to tears I will let them whether I know why I'm tearing up or not. If I'm not at a customer site..haha Don't need my customers thinking I've gone loco or anything.
Maybe I just need to cry and "be" in that moment without a reason. Maybe that's the lesson. Instead of realizing I'm on the verge of tears, freaking out that I am, and stuffing it waaaaaay down until I can deny that I was just about to sob like a kid being denied candy.
Hmmmm......definitely will have to look into that.
Any hooha....These are my thoughts for day 4. As it comes to a close I'm not near as thankful, or grateful for the day to end or to be "over with" as I was yesterday. I'm good with that.
Until tomorrow, and day 5...
D6 out~
XOXO
Because it was President's day my company was closed. I some how got the unlucky luck of the draw and got this week as my one week a YEAR to be on-call. When we are on-call, we are covering GA, AL, FL, LA, Miss, NC, and SC, on all products that we manufacture and those that we are third party service contracted to repair. By 9:30am I had already received two calls for NC, one for SC, one for West Palm Beach, FL (which I would have liked to have gone one..haha), and one for northwest AL as well as the few calls I got for the ATL area.
To say I was overwhelmed by 10 am is an understatement! But the hard thing to deal with wasn't the calls, and freaking out over how to cover, etc. It was that I had no one available friend/boyfriend-wise for support. And the one person I did not, could not have supporting me was doing so through emails that I had to ignore.
Did that make me doubt my decision? Honestly, yes for about 21 seconds, but second 22 I realized its just the same ole same ole that used to lure me back in. Nothing has changed, least of all ME. The one part of the equation that HAS to change, needs to heal, to learn and grow into the person I'm suppose to be. The person I've put off becoming out of fear, loneliness, etc.
So, I squashed down any desires of reaching out to him for his support. I turned away from the "need" I felt to wrap myself in the false security of his words. And I got through the day on my own. Yay, one small victory and I will take it!
My supposed support system here is shallow and is only here for me when there is something in it for them. There is no talking it out for me, their mind tunes me out and waits for me to draw a breath and sometimes not even then. Sometimes in mid-syllable spewage they interrupt me to talk about their life, their relationship, asking me for advice and wisdom for that, their relationship "epiphanies", etc. And it is a constant reminder that I really am here by myself.
And I'm going to be okay with that. Going to be okay with it because I think one of the biggest lessons I'm supposed to learn, need to learn, is to be ok with just ME. I'm not going to be alone, relationship-wise forever, just for right now. Its important for me to be just me right now. I can't learn anything about who I am, what I want, what I need, what I need to fix and what needs to heal if I'm constantly distracted by another factor or another pulse in my space.
Yeah, that was my little epiphany tonight. Yay me...haha ..and YES I had it while "they" were explaining theirs.
Another thing that has been on my mind since starting this year long commitment is the statement that people keep making about "it must be great that you've taken the pressure off yourself to be in a relationship or to get married. How freeing that must be." Honestly, I haven't looked at it that way at all. The moment I made this decision to do this for myself I did not feel lighter by any means. I did not feel free-er in any sense. Matter of fact, I kind of felt heavy like the world had settled squarely on my shoulders for a good long nap instead of the other way around. Not real sure yet why I feel this way. Its something I am pondering.
Also another thing I think is weird. I've been on the verge of tears over every little thing. Kind of like when I used to PMS, and it may be lagging symptoms of PMS. I've been on the Amberen for a month and a half, and I won't feel the full effects until 90 days. But so far, other than the crying jags I started experiencing yesterday and the hot flashes I feel pretty good. Maybe the crying jags are the just the beginning of the healing process. I think the next time I feel like going to tears I will let them whether I know why I'm tearing up or not. If I'm not at a customer site..haha Don't need my customers thinking I've gone loco or anything.
Maybe I just need to cry and "be" in that moment without a reason. Maybe that's the lesson. Instead of realizing I'm on the verge of tears, freaking out that I am, and stuffing it waaaaaay down until I can deny that I was just about to sob like a kid being denied candy.
Hmmmm......definitely will have to look into that.
Any hooha....These are my thoughts for day 4. As it comes to a close I'm not near as thankful, or grateful for the day to end or to be "over with" as I was yesterday. I'm good with that.
Until tomorrow, and day 5...
D6 out~
XOXO
Wow~ & my Intro before Day 4 blog ~~~
So it's been 3 years since I've logged into this blog and wrote anything. Reading my words from that time kind of took me by surprise a little. I so thought I was on top of the world and wow, did I feel like I was.
It's sad that I was that person not so long ago. It's amazing the changes that have happened. All the giant leaps forward I had been making, only to fall short to backward leaps and baby steps of my own accord.
Why did I do this?
Why did I allow this?
And, that's why I'm back here. These are the things I'm going to spend the next year finding out.
I've broken up with G and am moving on solo. For the next 361 days (its been 4 since I actually made this commitment) I am committing to me, myself, and I.
It's to be a year of growing, shedding, healing, crying, laughing, and whatever else I feel like throwing in the mix as long as it doesn't have a penis and come with a commitment.
Excited? You betchya.
Scared? oh hellz yes!
Its time and I have to do this.
It's sad that I was that person not so long ago. It's amazing the changes that have happened. All the giant leaps forward I had been making, only to fall short to backward leaps and baby steps of my own accord.
Why did I do this?
Why did I allow this?
And, that's why I'm back here. These are the things I'm going to spend the next year finding out.
I've broken up with G and am moving on solo. For the next 361 days (its been 4 since I actually made this commitment) I am committing to me, myself, and I.
It's to be a year of growing, shedding, healing, crying, laughing, and whatever else I feel like throwing in the mix as long as it doesn't have a penis and come with a commitment.
Excited? You betchya.
Scared? oh hellz yes!
Its time and I have to do this.
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